POOR RUMPELSTILTSKIN

So, quick recap for anyone who hasn’t read the “fairytale” ‘Rumpelstiltskin’.

A talkative miller blurts out for absolutely no reason whatsoever (other than trying to impress people who didn’t even give a shit) that his daughter can spin straw into gold. The King hears this, summons her and gives her some straw to turn to gold by morning, else her father goes to jail. She is left alone in the room with a spool, crying her eyes out, and a small man appears and offers to help turn the straw to gold. In exchange she gives him her necklace. King comes in next morning, he is impressed and then gives her even more straw to turn to gold (douchebag!). Same crying scenario ensues, except this time, daughter has nothing to offer small man. He asks her to promise him her first child, which she agrees to. She somehow marries the douchebag king (probably greedy guy wants gold everyday) and they have a child. As per agreement, small man appears and wants the baby. She pleads and pleads and he budges. He agrees not to take her baby only if she can guess his name. She tries hard but can’t. He gives her 24hrs (I think). All servants and messengers and wise men are tasked with finding out small man’s name. They can’t. However, deep in the woods, some messenger guy overhears small man dancing around a fire in the bushes singing “the queen will never guess my name is Rumpelstiltskin”. He tells the queen this name, who then guesses the name correctly. This (naturally) angers Sir Rumpelstiltskin who vexes and stomps, injures himself and disappears forever.

Phew!

Even as a child, I always wondered what the point of this particular story was. I mean, with other fairytales, you could tell the (rehashed and over flogged) lessons, but this made no sense. In fact, I always wondered (and still do) why it was a good thing that Sir Rumps didn’t get the kid. After all she did promise (admittedly under duress). 

Unpopular opinion? I think the King and her father (the miller) were the main douchebags in the story. I mean, what possessed her father to spew the rubbish he did? What sort of mean king was that? Then again, babes decided to marry him…..

What were the lessons then?

I know it is not to shut your mouth or not tell lies, cos the person who did this got away with it.

I know it is not “how not to be a horrible, mean King”, cos he precisely that and it had the desired outcome.

I know it is not “be nice to girls”, cos mean king still got the girl (though not the gold churning factory he thought he was getting).

I know it most certainly is not “be helpful, be nice and kind” cos we see how everyone’ll try to F you over.

It appears the lessons are:

Talk big. You just might become the King’s in-law.

Don’t help a damsel in distress. Just face your front.

Keep your secrets to yourself, even when you (think you) are alone.

Just seems like those who try to game the system or aren’t nice are the ones who keep getting the better end.

Anyhoo, I wonder whatever became of the Queen when the King handed her bales of straw to turn into gold on their 3^rd anniversary. 😂

COMPARING APPLES AND ORANGES

Very recently, the Attorney General of the Federation of Nigeria tried to compare two very different things- legitimate business owners and bandits/trespassers.

So some background…

For years, many farmers have complained that cattle would come into their farm/land and devour all of their crops and plants. I think this started and happened mostly during the very dry months in the North, which saw trees and land not bearing any leaves or grass, which in turn meant nothing for cattle to graze. Even though this was not quite welcome by the farmers (who are mostly in and from Eastern and Southern Nigeria), it stayed a little under the radar, until relatively recently, where the cattle herders (who are mostly from Northern Nigeria) and their livestock would brazenly enter into even demarcated and fenced property, bearing arms! Not only did they bear arms, but they would also maim and kill anyone who tried to stop them from trespassing!

This has understandably led to tensions between both sides, with both doing all they can to safe-guard their interests.

In light of these developments, governors of states in Southern Nigeria met, and among other resolutions, agreed to ban open grazing and trespassing.

Fast-forward to now.

As a response to this decision, the AGF has stated that this action on the part of the governors, is wrong. He also implied that it is illegal, on the basis that our laws guarantee freedom of movement to and around any part of Nigeria. He also stated that the decision to ban open grazing is amiss, citing the instance of Northern governors as a way of reprisal, also coming together to ban the trade of spare parts (a venture usually undertaken by people from Eastern Nigeria) in the North.

As with many Nigerians, I found these suggestions/analogies rather shocking, not just because the basis is easily faulty, but more because of who uttered it.

On the first point, the rights to freedom of movement guaranteed by Section 41 the Constitution does not in any way imply or excuse or extend to trespassing into a person’s private property. In fact, the provision of freedom of movement is not without restriction, where reasonably justifiable.

To the other point raised, I don’t see the co-relation. Section 43 guarantees the right to acquire and own immovable property anywhere in Nigeria. Our laws further lay down procedure for acquiring/owning property, and force is certainly not a laid-down procedure.

The ‘herdsmen’ (as they are commonly referred to) and their herd enter into a person’s private property, without the person’s consent, which makes it tantamount to trespassing. Furthermore, despite trespassing, they have been known to also maim and kill anyone who tries to stop them. Last I checked, battery, attempted murder and murder are still crimes in Nigeria.

On the other hand, the spare parts dealer works from his allotted/allocated premises, pays rents, levies, rates, and other payments that are required to be paid in carrying on the business. How then would it be legally, morally and logically justifiable in the circumstance to eject such people from their lawful businesses? So long as there is no illegality being carried on through the business or in carrying on the business, which would justify closing the business (and not even expulsion or “deportation”), I do not see the basis for the comparison. 

In any event, under the Land Use Act, the land in each state (except land vested in the Federal Government) is vested solely in, and is held (in trust) by the governor of the State, and the governor is to administer it for the use and common benefit of all Nigerians in accordance with the Act.

SENIOR SPECIAL AJIBOLE

 

The FBI recently arrested a Senior Special Assistant to a State Governor for internet fraud (claiming multiple unemployment benefits peri-covid).

 

In my mind, there are so many layers to uncover, and I will try to do so succinctly.

 

This action has once again put a massive dent in the already negative perception that the world has of Nigerians. Granted, there are also Nigerians doing a lot of amazing stuff. However, as anyone knows, bad news travels faster. This means again more (unnecessarily?) difficult and stringent standards for Nigerians who are looking to travel or have dealings with the international community, e.g. in Visa applications, school applications, international/ remote freelancing jobs etc. It also paints politicians badly too since….er nah, scratch that. That ship already since sailed, with no help required.

 

This also points to the fact that many in politics today have their ‘Plan B’, they therefore do not see Nigeria and its progress as anything other than a money-making venture. It’s just another avenue to continue to source funds by milking the polity dry. I say this on the premise that (I may be wrong) it takes a citizen with perhaps a green card or American citizenship to claim unemployment benefits (unless of course he is claiming them under different names that aren’t his). This means then that whenever shit hits the roof and Nigeria becomes too hot to handle, they just up and leave.

P.S: The irony of this situation is also that as soon as dung hits the ceiling there as well, they up and run to Nigeria where they are certain they won’t have to answer the consequences of their actions.

 

I would consider that perhaps it is a more suitable solution to have anyone going into any political position by election or appointment to be required to renounce any other citizenship or benefits that accrue to them outside Nigeria. I am not quite certain of its workability, legality or enforceability. I am however rather certain that it would see such people sitting up to do the actual work.

 

Another matter is the ease with which crime can be perpetuated on the internet. Something as small as a ‘period’ (not to be mistaken for the monthly cycle, which is kind of a big deal) could be the difference between sapa and flossing.

Conversely, the internet also makes crime detection somewhat easy, so long as the criminal is relatively stupid or careless, and plainly because we all leave a trail.

 

Which brings me to another (maybe final) point- the stupidity of it all. It would appear that not much brain-work goes into the type of schemes that many of these peeps cook-up. I have received some mails that were so ridiculous and riddled with “ibon” and oddities, that I would have liked to respond, just to be able to point out the obvious loopholes in the ‘scam’.

 

All of this is even more painful when one considers that the broke, hopeless, common citizen is the one left to bear the brunt of all of these actions, consistently keeping a “way-out out” beyond their reach once again.

 

To think that this person “assists” a governor. On what o? Man has already assisted himself. He also had the aspiration to become a member of the House of Reps! This one too now will come to events and be forming motivational speech on patience and accountability and responsibility and choice. Oh wait, he already did!

 

THESE are the types of people we are leaving governance to? We have to do better. We need to do better. We must.