POOR RUMPELSTILTSKIN

So, quick recap for anyone who hasn’t read the “fairytale” ‘Rumpelstiltskin’.

A talkative miller blurts out for absolutely no reason whatsoever (other than trying to impress people who didn’t even give a shit) that his daughter can spin straw into gold. The King hears this, summons her and gives her some straw to turn to gold by morning, else her father goes to jail. She is left alone in the room with a spool, crying her eyes out, and a small man appears and offers to help turn the straw to gold. In exchange she gives him her necklace. King comes in next morning, he is impressed and then gives her even more straw to turn to gold (douchebag!). Same crying scenario ensues, except this time, daughter has nothing to offer small man. He asks her to promise him her first child, which she agrees to. She somehow marries the douchebag king (probably greedy guy wants gold everyday) and they have a child. As per agreement, small man appears and wants the baby. She pleads and pleads and he budges. He agrees not to take her baby only if she can guess his name. She tries hard but can’t. He gives her 24hrs (I think). All servants and messengers and wise men are tasked with finding out small man’s name. They can’t. However, deep in the woods, some messenger guy overhears small man dancing around a fire in the bushes singing “the queen will never guess my name is Rumpelstiltskin”. He tells the queen this name, who then guesses the name correctly. This (naturally) angers Sir Rumpelstiltskin who vexes and stomps, injures himself and disappears forever.

Phew!

Even as a child, I always wondered what the point of this particular story was. I mean, with other fairytales, you could tell the (rehashed and over flogged) lessons, but this made no sense. In fact, I always wondered (and still do) why it was a good thing that Sir Rumps didn’t get the kid. After all she did promise (admittedly under duress). 

Unpopular opinion? I think the King and her father (the miller) were the main douchebags in the story. I mean, what possessed her father to spew the rubbish he did? What sort of mean king was that? Then again, babes decided to marry him…..

What were the lessons then?

I know it is not to shut your mouth or not tell lies, cos the person who did this got away with it.

I know it is not “how not to be a horrible, mean King”, cos he precisely that and it had the desired outcome.

I know it is not “be nice to girls”, cos mean king still got the girl (though not the gold churning factory he thought he was getting).

I know it most certainly is not “be helpful, be nice and kind” cos we see how everyone’ll try to F you over.

It appears the lessons are:

Talk big. You just might become the King’s in-law.

Don’t help a damsel in distress. Just face your front.

Keep your secrets to yourself, even when you (think you) are alone.

Just seems like those who try to game the system or aren’t nice are the ones who keep getting the better end.

Anyhoo, I wonder whatever became of the Queen when the King handed her bales of straw to turn into gold on their 3^rd anniversary. 😂

COMPARING APPLES AND ORANGES

Very recently, the Attorney General of the Federation of Nigeria tried to compare two very different things- legitimate business owners and bandits/trespassers.

So some background…

For years, many farmers have complained that cattle would come into their farm/land and devour all of their crops and plants. I think this started and happened mostly during the very dry months in the North, which saw trees and land not bearing any leaves or grass, which in turn meant nothing for cattle to graze. Even though this was not quite welcome by the farmers (who are mostly in and from Eastern and Southern Nigeria), it stayed a little under the radar, until relatively recently, where the cattle herders (who are mostly from Northern Nigeria) and their livestock would brazenly enter into even demarcated and fenced property, bearing arms! Not only did they bear arms, but they would also maim and kill anyone who tried to stop them from trespassing!

This has understandably led to tensions between both sides, with both doing all they can to safe-guard their interests.

In light of these developments, governors of states in Southern Nigeria met, and among other resolutions, agreed to ban open grazing and trespassing.

Fast-forward to now.

As a response to this decision, the AGF has stated that this action on the part of the governors, is wrong. He also implied that it is illegal, on the basis that our laws guarantee freedom of movement to and around any part of Nigeria. He also stated that the decision to ban open grazing is amiss, citing the instance of Northern governors as a way of reprisal, also coming together to ban the trade of spare parts (a venture usually undertaken by people from Eastern Nigeria) in the North.

As with many Nigerians, I found these suggestions/analogies rather shocking, not just because the basis is easily faulty, but more because of who uttered it.

On the first point, the rights to freedom of movement guaranteed by Section 41 the Constitution does not in any way imply or excuse or extend to trespassing into a person’s private property. In fact, the provision of freedom of movement is not without restriction, where reasonably justifiable.

To the other point raised, I don’t see the co-relation. Section 43 guarantees the right to acquire and own immovable property anywhere in Nigeria. Our laws further lay down procedure for acquiring/owning property, and force is certainly not a laid-down procedure.

The ‘herdsmen’ (as they are commonly referred to) and their herd enter into a person’s private property, without the person’s consent, which makes it tantamount to trespassing. Furthermore, despite trespassing, they have been known to also maim and kill anyone who tries to stop them. Last I checked, battery, attempted murder and murder are still crimes in Nigeria.

On the other hand, the spare parts dealer works from his allotted/allocated premises, pays rents, levies, rates, and other payments that are required to be paid in carrying on the business. How then would it be legally, morally and logically justifiable in the circumstance to eject such people from their lawful businesses? So long as there is no illegality being carried on through the business or in carrying on the business, which would justify closing the business (and not even expulsion or “deportation”), I do not see the basis for the comparison. 

In any event, under the Land Use Act, the land in each state (except land vested in the Federal Government) is vested solely in, and is held (in trust) by the governor of the State, and the governor is to administer it for the use and common benefit of all Nigerians in accordance with the Act.

SENIOR SPECIAL AJIBOLE

 

The FBI recently arrested a Senior Special Assistant to a State Governor for internet fraud (claiming multiple unemployment benefits peri-covid).

 

In my mind, there are so many layers to uncover, and I will try to do so succinctly.

 

This action has once again put a massive dent in the already negative perception that the world has of Nigerians. Granted, there are also Nigerians doing a lot of amazing stuff. However, as anyone knows, bad news travels faster. This means again more (unnecessarily?) difficult and stringent standards for Nigerians who are looking to travel or have dealings with the international community, e.g. in Visa applications, school applications, international/ remote freelancing jobs etc. It also paints politicians badly too since….er nah, scratch that. That ship already since sailed, with no help required.

 

This also points to the fact that many in politics today have their ‘Plan B’, they therefore do not see Nigeria and its progress as anything other than a money-making venture. It’s just another avenue to continue to source funds by milking the polity dry. I say this on the premise that (I may be wrong) it takes a citizen with perhaps a green card or American citizenship to claim unemployment benefits (unless of course he is claiming them under different names that aren’t his). This means then that whenever shit hits the roof and Nigeria becomes too hot to handle, they just up and leave.

P.S: The irony of this situation is also that as soon as dung hits the ceiling there as well, they up and run to Nigeria where they are certain they won’t have to answer the consequences of their actions.

 

I would consider that perhaps it is a more suitable solution to have anyone going into any political position by election or appointment to be required to renounce any other citizenship or benefits that accrue to them outside Nigeria. I am not quite certain of its workability, legality or enforceability. I am however rather certain that it would see such people sitting up to do the actual work.

 

Another matter is the ease with which crime can be perpetuated on the internet. Something as small as a ‘period’ (not to be mistaken for the monthly cycle, which is kind of a big deal) could be the difference between sapa and flossing.

Conversely, the internet also makes crime detection somewhat easy, so long as the criminal is relatively stupid or careless, and plainly because we all leave a trail.

 

Which brings me to another (maybe final) point- the stupidity of it all. It would appear that not much brain-work goes into the type of schemes that many of these peeps cook-up. I have received some mails that were so ridiculous and riddled with “ibon” and oddities, that I would have liked to respond, just to be able to point out the obvious loopholes in the ‘scam’.

 

All of this is even more painful when one considers that the broke, hopeless, common citizen is the one left to bear the brunt of all of these actions, consistently keeping a “way-out out” beyond their reach once again.

 

To think that this person “assists” a governor. On what o? Man has already assisted himself. He also had the aspiration to become a member of the House of Reps! This one too now will come to events and be forming motivational speech on patience and accountability and responsibility and choice. Oh wait, he already did!

 

THESE are the types of people we are leaving governance to? We have to do better. We need to do better. We must.

Arrogant Servants

The image above (from a programme of events that I came across recently) is another pointer to the many problems that we see in Nigeria today. You fix an event for 9am, and it states this. 

On what basis should the chairman and any other functionaries not be seated at 9am? 

It’s in these (seemingly) little things that we see the elitism, classism and authoritarianism that pervades our country. 

This indirectly also teaches anyone else who finds himself/herself in similar “dignified” position to do/expect same. 

We need proper (re)orientation as a people. We need to teach people that being in such a position is for service. We also (apparently) need to teach what service is. 

Madam Blogger Ma

I woke up to find Linda Ikeji trending as well as a hashtag #Lindagate created by a blogger, Kemi Olunloyo. There were numerous headlines that read “Kemi Olunloyo reveals HOW Linda Ikeji got/received N240m from #Dasukigate”. I clicked on the various links to read the said ‘revelations’ and what a disappointment that turned out to be! It turned out to be a series of tweet rants just making allegations and not revealing anything. She (madam Olunloyo) also promised to, at a certain time of the day, reveal the identity of the person who gifted Miss Ikeji with the property at Banana Island- it has been way past said time and we are yet to see anything or anyone!

This brings me to my point(s).

First, for a person who claims to be a trained journalist and who has been in the said industry for over twenty years, I am sure she must have come across the word “defamation” every now and then. You do not make such allegations without proof to back them up (as truth/ a belief in the truth of said publication is a defense in an action for defamation). If I was Miss Ikeji and there is no truth in these allegations as she has said, I would contact my lawyers and bring an action in defamation against this journalist and all such others publishing such information.

My second point is, assuming (without conceding) that she in fact received N240m for advertisement on her blog, this money would constitute payment for service rendered. Thankfully, the ‘blogosphere’ is not a monopoly as there are so many people with computers and access to the internet today who lay claim to the title of ‘blogger’. If they (potential clients) had found her rates to be too expensive, then they should have gone on to someone with cheaper rates. It is just how the market works.

Now to my third point, there is a Yoruba adage that says “bi isu eni ba ta, a’n fi owo bo je ni” (simply meaning “avoid ostentation”). One may recall the trouble that followed Miss Ikeji a while back when she displayed her then latest acquisition of a brand new Range Rover. I would have thought that a lesson or two would have been leant from that experience- apparently not! Miss Ikeji’s display of her new N550m property bought and paid for in full (according to her) attests to this fact. Various images of the interior and exterior of the property are put up on social media. This seeming show-off of wealth is bound to irk some people who have worn this title of blogger for years longer than Miss Ikeji. There is a reason we have these adages as they are coined from experiences and wisdoms of our forefathers. I quite appreciate the fact that Miss Ikeji believes she does this to encourage people to believe in and pursue their drams and never give up, however this could be done in other ways.

I really applaud Miss Ikeji on her achievements so far and must confess that I admire her- her tenacious spirit and her actualization of her dreams…and she has paid her dues! I would just advise that she keep herself out of harm’s way. I can almost guarantee that the ‘-IRS’ would soon be knocking on her door! I do wish her the very best in her future pursuits.

Addressing Her Dressing

I have always been confused and cautious about judging a person by how they dress or appear. It is a common saying that "you should dress the way you want to be addressed". It is also said that "you should not judge a book by its cover".

An aunt once stated her displeasure at seeing a married mother wearing a see-through blouse and I am certain that "baltimore mum's" extremely ripped jeans would not have sat well with her either. However, this mum has, by her actions, exhibited responsibility having demonstrated the training she instilled in and her expectations from her children.

The confusion therefore persists.

RAT RACE

I would try to make this piece as brief and concise as possible.

Section 131 of the Constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria (the constitution) provides;

“A person shall be qualified for election to the office of President if…

a. He is a citizen of Nigeria by birth

b. He has attained the age of fourty years

c. He is a member of a political party and is sponsored by that political party; and

d. He has been educated up to at least School Certificate level or its equivalent.”

Section 318 provides;

“School Certificate or its equivalent means;

a. A secondary school certificate or its equivalent, or Grade II Teacher’s Certificate, the City and Guilds Certificate; or

b. Education up to secondary school certificate level; or

c. Primary Six School Leaving Certificate or its equivalent and-

I. Service in the public or private sector in the Federation in any capacity acceptable to the INEC for a minimum of ten years; and

ii. Attendance at courses and training in such institutions as may be acceptable to the INEC for periods totalling up to a minimum of one year; and

iii. The ability to read, write, understand and communicate in the English language to the satisfaction of INEC; and

d. Any other qualification acceptable by INEC.

Section 2 of the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) Act provides;

A person shall be qualified for election to the office of the President or the National Assembly if-

a. He is a citizen of Nigeria;

b. In the case of the President, he has attained the age of 40 years

c. In the case of a senator, he has attained the age of 35 years;

d. In the case of a member of the house of representatives, he has attained the age of 30 years;

e. He has been educated up to at least school certificate level or its equivalent; and

f. He is a member of a political party and is being sponsored by that party.

Section 3 states 11 reasons for disqualification from contesting for office of the President or the National Assembly, none of which Gen Buhari has been accused of except perhaps paragraph (h) which is on the basis that;

He has presented forged certificates to the Commission.

Having cited these provisions, I do not see the cause for the uproar regarding General Buhari’s Certificate (or for some, the lack thereof). The Act establishing, enabling and empowering INEC is clear, as are the relevant provisions of the Constitution.

The Constitution is the grundnorm and every law takes its legality from the Constitution and where any law contains any provisions that are inconsistent with the constitution, such a law or provision in such a law is null and void to the extent of that inconsistency.

I am of the view that the various qualifications that cover the term “school certificate or its equivalent” is well covered. General Buhari had indeed produced his certificate and unless anyone can invoke the provisions of Section 3 (h) of the INEC Act on the basis of it (the certificate produced) being a forgery, then the matter is sufficiently rested. No proof of the said certificate being a forgery has so far been produced. Also, the man in question is a General in the Nigerian army. The various trainings received in the military (I believe) must include the provisions or qualifications provided for in Sec 318 (b). 

Some have also argued the fact that the certificate is not in question but rather the fact that it was not attached to the INEC Form submitted by Gen Buhari to signify his candidacy for the office of President on the platform of the APC. They argue that the fact that Gen Buhari failed to attach his certificates to the INEC Form invalidates the Form itself and must therefore be disregarded.

I beg to differ.

The Constitution again clearly states in the aforementioned Section 131 that “a person shall be qualified for election to the office of President if…” There is no ambiguity whatsoever in this provision. The Constitution is based on the premise that upon satisfaction of the requirements of Paragraphs (a) to (d) of Section 131, such a person SHALL be qualified for election. It is simple.

On this basis therefore, I do not see why time is being wasted on attacking the man (who by the way has run for the office of the president at least three times before) and/or his certificate(s) rather than focusing on issues currently affecting the polity. I believe that priorities are misplaced.

What this unwarranted attack and distraction only goes to show is the fact that the ruling party (the PDP) at this time admits the strength and the possibility of the opposition winning the presidential elections and merely seek to oust him on a purely technical ground. This is not serving the PDP well.