Dear Mr. President

Sir, let me start by warning you that this is a rather long letter because I have had to somehow find a way to compress most(yes Sir, it could have been longer) of what is on my mind into this letter and I have resorted to this considering the fact that you have been gone for so long, you have gone so far away and your guardian angels (of Nigerian descent) would not allow anyone access to you; so, I hope you would find the strenght to read the entire letter (even if you must take breaks in between).

Allow me to apologise real quickly for not even asking how you are faring healthwise these days. My 'oversight' is hinged on two factors- the first is the fact that you are hardly ever in good shape (at least not since I and another 139,999,998 people have known you) and the second is the fact that its getting so common place and its really affecting not only your heart now but also the hearts, minds and pockets of so many Nigerians (you see that your ill health affects Nigerians even more than it seems to be affecting you), so you would understand my lack of enthusiasm in conducting any autopsy...er, investigation.

It has now been 71 days since we last saw or heard from you (and please dont even get me started on that recorded voice thing) and need I remind you that quite a bit of your time in office has been spent in and out of various hospitals the world over? Yes Sir, we have been counting...and thanks for giving us the heads up because even before you took the reins of power you were already having fainting spells with rumours of he's dead...he's alive...oh, wait, he's alive again...

Your family(...that means your wife and your other stooges) says your state of health is confidential, they fail to remember that once you took the Oath of Office, you ceased to be accountable to just yourself and God and probably your family.
Do you know that I knew something was wrong the minute we were told you would be away in hospital for a week? How u ask? Because it was the first time they actually came out about what was exactly wrong with you and that you would be away for a while...I knew it was baaad!
Now we( did I mention I am a lawyer?) have been saddled with the responsibility of trying to find a way out of what your absence has made of us.

What I was wondering though (when they came and said you had signed the appropriation bill...hmph!) was how u were able to sign that and somehow still not be able to do any kind of handover note or something! Then I just concluded you must have just collapsed somewhere or something and there was either no time or strenght to do so (that I believe is another story- I did mention I am a lawyer and not a doctor, right?).

That leads me to another question (I already told you it was gonna be a long one!)-albeit a rhetorical one-was man made for the law or the law for man? If the president either due to inability or negligence failed to transmit anything to the House intimating them of his absence and thus requiring his vice to act in his stead, should the rules of interpretation not come to play? The Constitution envisaged a situation where the President could act and in some way carry out the said act! I guess I am addressing this part of the latter to you wrongly then. This should be to our 'honourable' representatives.

Back to you Sir, I am now wondering why you did not just decline when you were forced(yes siree!) to take up the mandate- maybe you felt you had so much to offer the Country (we are still waiting for the manifestation); but when u realised you were(and still are) holding the nation to ransom, you could have done the honourable and right thing and had your Vice act in your stead (thats the point of having a second in command). By the way, did I mention you are OYO since Mr. Obasanjo has washed his hands off? He even says he was unaware of any health conditions you were suffering from!

Let me quickly also add that upon your speedy return (that was a prayer), please do me a personal favour and fire the Attorney General- Mr. Aondaka, even if not for anything, for saying that you can rule from anywhere( you owe me)!

Sir, please try to find the strenght to read and ponder on these issues and the will to do what is required.

Troubled Nigerian.

Maryam Babangida...RIP

I came across this a few minutes ago online. Truth be told, I wasn't entirely shocked considering how much her health has deteriorated in the past few years. I am truly sad however because from what I remember, she was quite active when she was First Lady of the Country. I pray her soul and those of all our dearly departed rest in peace and for the rest of us, lets make the most of the time we have left on earth. Have a fantastic week!

Boxing Day 'Special'!

Wow! Some people sure know how to kill joy! I mean, its not like the holidays were entirely excellent but at least we were managing until we heard some news which featured some words which should not be said in the same sentence; suicide bomber, plane, USA and, wait for it...Nigerian! Now, I cant confirm any thing yet(whether he is Nigerian or whether he was really gonna blow up the plane- although I read some statement from some dude who claims to be the suspect's father who is some 'big man' in First Bank of Nigeria) but lets go ahead pretending the facts are true. This really got me thinking, because all this time, I had presumed that its relatively poor people who had been brain washed into believing they would be doing the world some huge favour and into believing their families would be well catered for after their demise who were usually lured into such grave 'service'- apperently not! This dude is said to have studied engineering at University College London and lived some posh life in London. His 'dad' (till we confirm) is quoted as saying he was not sure where the boy was just before the incident but that he had been in Yemen for a while before this event. Some of the questions running through my mind are 'Whatever was his business in Yemen?' 'Did he feel he was called?' and the big one- 'Whatever do they tell them?' So many questions but alas- so few (if any) answers! Another angle to it is how difficult this would probably make things for Nigerians, the world over, who are travelling into the USA- no visas, rigourous and embarrassing checks and (call me silly)lesser luggage allowance! I guess we would all have to wait for answers. It seriously bugs me though that in our bid to salvage our image in the eyes of the world, its like we take one step forward and two steps back(pardon the cliche)! It really would be a bad way to end the year- no electricity, no fuel, no water, no President, and now...a suicide bomber! Phew! Nigerians sure know how to kill...joy, that is!

gbo gbo (bigs) gurls...?

Hey there! Sure u had excellent Christmas celebrations. I am also sure that goin by the hype created over the yoruba (subtitled) movie 'Jenifa', you understand my title. Well something happened to me yesterday- and no it wasn't indigestion- and for a few minutes I wasnt sure how to take it until I really thought about it and realised I liked the 'lesson' from it. Before I continue, I want you to know that in my opinion and in the opinion of some other people as well, I am slim but in the opinion of some others (being my mum), I am just too thin! Anyway, so I was walking back home from some shop where I had gone to get something to use to prepare my special Christmas jollof rice and I was getting my usual admiring glances (come on, dont hate, just claim it for me this one time!) and then, there were these two guys looking at me as well. I had taken their look to be the usual until I looked closely at one of the faces and realised it was tilted a little towards disgust! I did a quick mental check (did I fall in some poop on my way? not that I recalled; had my button snapped? nah; what then...?). I kept walking and then I heard him say to his pal (or whoever he was) albeit in pidgin 'Wetin I wan hol for inside this one? Men, I prefer the 'full' ones o.' For a nano second i was like 'what?'(of course just in my head, I couldnt actually say that to him). And I thought of it all the way back home. But by the time some of the smell of the thyme, curry, onions and other 'serenren' in my jollof had found its way into my nostrils and hence my head (by the way, thats some hint for u-whenever you vexing- cook! well, at least cook jollof rice!), I started to think of it in another light. I thought isint it nice not to have another cliche with men liking only slim women? I am guessing this is a well known fact since Nigerian men were chosen to be the characters in the movie 'Phat Girls'. I think thats a plus to being a Nigerian (in Nigeria). Thats not to say we begin swallowing everything we can set our eyes and hands on, but to let the genuinely big women remember that they are just as beautiful as the next woman. I think Naija 'big' men have somehow come to the truth of the situation because I have lost count of how many times I have seen pot-bellied men strutting their stuff all over the place and damning it all, some times they even...(forgive me-I am digressing). So I hereby christen the Nigerian woman (tall, short, slim, thin, big, fat-whatever anyone has chosen to term or describe you)-BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!

Hey! Its Christmas again! You know, there was a time that Christmas connoted so many positive things to me (and dare I say to so many Nigerians as well) but those times somehow feel like centuries ago(...and I am not old...at least not in my opinion). Everyone was happy and there was loads of love and joy to go around, somehow all that vanished- not because we stopped wanting to keep spreading all that joy but because we seem to have somehow forgotten how to or rather, that we have plainly just forgotten! And then, who can blame us, what with the fuel shortage (and despite that, heavy traffic!), ever upward hike in the price of everything, lack of power supply...(need I continue?)! My plea though is that as Nigerians, we should live up to what we are known for(within and outside our shores)- suffering but still smiling! Now dont get me wrong, I am not asking that we just accept the status quo. What I am asking is that we try to in some way maintain our stability but in the midst of it all, chart a course (or courses, whatever it takes) for moving our country forward. We keep looking to the top for solutions but really, the bulk of it rests with us. How about each and every one of us beginning to do those 'little' things that we can do where we find ourselves and see if things do not turn around, maybe slowly but indeed, surely! One might wonder why I have decided to talk about Nigeria's sorry state(pun intended) during this joyous and merry (?) season but I think, why not? When else will we get to remember the less privileged and the down-trodden? When else than now when everyone is making those new year resolutions? Do take time out to think about not just yourself and those dear to you but think about her as well- Nigeria - and what you can do for her and what you can give back to her as well because contrary to what many of us think, she has given us so much more than we can ever give back!
Merry Christmas Nigeria!!!